It's All About Letting Go

Have to let go of the past to embrace the future. I thot I did and I hope I already have. No more outstanding. Is there anything that still left behind? Maybe. Maybe because of what happened in the past, I'm afraid to move forward. Without I realise it.

At the moment for example, I'm afraid to tell my parents about my future plans with him. So many things that makes me keep silent from them. Will they approve my choice this time or will they repeat their concept of 'happiness" again? Dunno. Whatever it is, i fear it already.

I'm gathering my courages to talk to them, to tell them our situation. Will they open hearted let me choose my path? Will they realised that their baby girl is a grown up woman? A woman with her own mind of thinking? I dunno, still fear that they might not.

Will I have the courage to tell them that he wants to marry me eventho we only met for 1 week? Will I have the courage to tell them that we cannot give them their dream wedding that they want for their baby girl? Will I have the courage to tell them that I will fly away from here once we are marry? So many courages I need to gather before telling them. I'm afraid of their reactions.

This is the past that I must let go and move on if I want to find my happiness. If I can through it, there will be light in the end of my journey. Please help me and make me brave. Braveness, courages, I need it badly now.

WoW

I'm in love and it's a very wonderful feeling. Everyday I feel it and I missing him so much. The love and missing feeling giving me chestpain and it hurts. Hurts because I cannot be together with him (yet). I wish, I hope, I dream that we will be together. Don't want to hope too high. Just want to live my live as it is now without thinking hard on how, when, where or what. Que sera sera.. Just follow my heart and continue....

Love is wonderful if we are really into it. But love can be tearful also if we are too into it. Darth, please do love me with all your heart like you always say.

What would you do if you know that someone you love and care will fall into a deep shit and be devastated? Just stay silent? Do nothing? You can ignore it and push them into it deeper whole? Yeah, that might be the best. But only applied to person that has nothing to do with you and you don't care.

I'm trying to understand and feel. But I can't. From any sides I can't. Because I know what happen and what is the real situation, it's very difficult for me to give support. Maybe I'm trying to push her to use my thoughts, my logic. But we are two different person, person with their own mind and feelings and completely have different view.

This story is about Miss A who is currently 'in love' with a 65 years old and got a cancer. Miss A is feeling badly in love with him. Except me and her mom, none knows the truth. I kept forgeting that she is not me. If it comes to me, I can think logically and use my brain and see the reality. Yes, in love. that's why there a saying 'love is blind'. It does happen. I've been there and yes, reality bites and denial all the time.
I'm tired. Only tries to do my best to keep my love ones falling. Tired to give advises but only makes me sad in the end.

I already kept silent and didn't ask Miss A about him because I didn't want to give comment. Comments that I didn't feel right to give. It will be different if situation are different and the man is different. I do want to see her happy and in love. But not like this. She will be in love for short time and tears for a long time. I will always be there for her, yes indeed. but if she thinks that i'm too close and cannot understand here and do not support her, I'll withdrawn.

Miss A is the type of person who can easily falling in love unconditionaly. In the end, she will end up with tears and feeling very crushed and leap back into the worse situation before she started. I can see that already, but she cannot. Or she can but she refused to see. All she can think and feel is now and today. Love makes her like that. I'm like that also. But I can easily stand up and back on to my feet. I don't know about her. Wrong, I know, but only she knows what best for her.

She said that others care more for her than her closest ones. And do others knows what is exactly happens and going on or what is the real situation? Others of course cares for her because all they know is that she's in love and be loved and she is happy.

It was hard for me also to keep silent from others and keep ot for myself. I cannot talk to others about her situation and tried to give her the best advise. It was hard. But once again, i failed and now she's angry and refuse to talk to me. Maybe I pushed her too much and forgive me for being too care and not supporting her.

I can only silent and watch now. Keep quiet and see and be there for here when it comes. The ball is on her hand now. There's nothing else I can do. Be save dearest one. I'm sorry I cannot help you.

No More

Sometimes, when you feel bad and negative, without you realise, the world will follow you down. I think that what happened to me. In the past months (or years), I felt terrible and unhappy and complain a lot to my beloved ones. I felt that my world was falling apart and I'm the most pathetic and miserable person in the world. I felt hurts all the time and I felt that the world is not fair to me. I felt like I was the victim.

It all effected my love life and my way to find him. I always wondered why every dates turned out to be fine but never continue to second dates. I asked question of what's wrong. But I never realised that the mistake was from inside. I asked people opinion and tried to find what went wrong. I made my Gede worried about me, about my life and he was trying so hard to make me see the best of me again. Maybe I even made him frustated because of my stubborness (is the spelling correct?) and how I refused to see brighter world and life, I've made my best buddy, Nonee, feeling blue also with my stories. In short, I've made everything seems dark and pathetic.

1 coffee in Starbucks w/ her and BOOMMM, something she said opened my eyes. There's nothing wrong with the world. The world and life are beautiful. It was me who's wrong. It was me who sees the world from the dark. And my questions answered. Loke Indo's saying "Gajah di pelupuk mata gak kliatan, tapi debu di sebrang lautan jelas bgt". That what happened to me.

I was too busy blaming everything and put me in as the victim. Yes I was good on the 1st dates, but without me noticing, somehow they see a dark cloud surrounding me and feel the negative energy comes out from me and somehow blocking me from showing them the real me. That's why there are no second dates.

I cannot continue like that. I've changed myself and erased all the negatives (at least I try to do it) and be a positive woman. I believe that my life will become colourful and brighter and more beautiful if I look at it differently. And maybe it will make my deepest wish comes true =)D

So, no more gloomy and dark and pathetic Jilly who was always negative and blaming the world. I've made peace with myself and the world. I even smiled when I found out that 1 of the man who was close to me now having my replacement. Before, I cannot do that. Before I always felt a knife stabbed me and pity myself in envy feeling and anger and question "Why? Why? Why?"
Well, not anymore now. No more hurts and no more blaming. But remember, I am also a human being who can always gets hurt. But I will try my best to be positive.

New me is happy me. Welcome Jilly :))

Lang Ling Lung Mana Sih?

Enak kali ya kalo ada seseorang yang kayak Lang Ling Lung, penemu serba bisa. Kalo emang orang kayak gitu exist, gw akan jadi orang pertama yg sign up dan minta bikinin penemuan sama dia. 'Lung, bikinin gw sesuatu yg bisa ngilangin ingetan dan pikiran2 dan memory yg gak mau gw inget gih. Otak gw kepenuhan nih"

Busss... dalem semalem jadilah tuh penemuannya. Dalam bayangan gw, tuhpenemuan kayak helm ato kyk pensieve (itu tu, yg di Harry Potter kayak baskom) trus semua memori sedih gw dan memori2 yg bikin gw stress dipindahin ke tempat laen ato malah diilangin sama sekali. Ah...enaknya....

Enak banget ya gak usah inget2 yg jelek2 dan yg bikin gw nangis ato yg bikin hati gw ketusuk2 sampe bedarah2. Memori yang bikin gw galau, melow dan bikin sakit. Mungkin kalo alat kyk itu ada, gw bakal plong banget. Plong, kyk tutup botol yg ditarik dari sumbatnya.

Enak banget ya kalo alat kayak gitu ada biar gw bisa selalu tersenyum liat dunia. Gak usah sedih lagi, bahagianya.... Semuanya bakal keliatan lebih indah dan berwarna, gak harus selalu item, putih dan abu2. Matahari kayaknya indah bgt.

Lang Ling Lung mana sih? Karena dia gak ada makanya dunia gw sekarang terbatas warnanya : black & white & grey. Kenapa sih dia tuh cuma harus sebuah tokoh kartun dan gak real? Kan kalo dia ada di dunia ini, semua orang bakal ngerasa bahagia dengan bantuannya. Yg jelas hidup 1 org akan jadi bahagia : ME!!

Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on!
I've been hiding all my hpes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I wanna do is find back way into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't se the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end


*edited from 'Way Back Into Love' by Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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1 Phone Call

1 phone call was enough to drag me out from my life and leap back to the past. The past that i want to forget and never look back. Enough to make my life crumble once again, shead my tears once again. Never realise that I still carry that wound. Never realise that the scar is too deep and the wound still bleeding and never completely cured and healed.

1 phone call, only one that I fear most and somehow I know that it will happen and I deny it all this time. And it happened. All the walls surround me fallen apart and my life falling into pieces once again. Once again I have to collect my life and build it again from the scratch. Now I really lost it and I'm not sure how I will do it.

Just want to dissapear from everything, from my existence in this world. Just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep until 'he' come and wake me up. I am just too tired and too weak now. I can't even put my heads up or knock my head. Maybe flying high up in the sky and just fly fly fly will be nice.

My life is shattered and I don't know how to build it up again. Once I can. 2 times is enough. In the moment where I want to reach the sky again, 1 phone call crashed me down to the earth again.

I've hidden it so well all this time. I think it's like a time bomb, will blow up one day. I didn't want to remember or to open or to look back. Just forget it and let go and live my life. And it was working well until yesterday, BOOMMMMM!!!!! It happened. The crack was open, making it much bigger from before. And now it will be so very hard to fix it.

S E M U

Semua ada di depan mata gw saat ini adalah SEMU. 4 huruf yang sangat berarti. I'm facing a very good thing and it's just seems too good to be true. Something that makes me laugh and smile and cry. Something that brings me ups and downs. Something that seems so close yet so far away. That's why I call it SEMU.

Like the fogs that vagues.Blur and you can not see far. You can see only something close and near you. That's what I call SEMU.

Sesuatu yang begitu indah. Sesuatu yang begitu mempesona. Sesuatu yang membuai. Sesuatu yang tanpa gw sadari telah membikin hati gw terancam. Sesuatu yang bisa membuat gw jatuh ke lubang yang sama lagi. I don't want that. Terlalu menyakitkan kalau itu terjadi.

Guarding my Heart

Guarding my heart. That's what I'm doing right now. I did it before and few weeks ago I started to lower down the shield. Nothing happen so far. But I'm doing it for myself protection.
Hurts and getting hurts is easily come and happen to me like having 3 times of meals. And I don't want it anymore. Meals has to stop. Leaking and making myself weak is has to end. I will be the last person standing still with a smile on my face.

My shield only opens to someone who will be my soul. I don't know who, when or where. Maybe he's out there, maybe he's not. Don't know. Still a big mystery for me. Keep wishing and keep hoping until all the wishes and the hopings washed away. No more wishing and no more hoping. No more nothing.

Guarding my heart from 'love'. Don't open it until I'm sure. But how to be sure? It's all seems too good and most of the times it fools me. Most of the time I am weak and fall. It's such a very difficult thing to do. How can you tell the different from something real and something semu? Something that deceiving my heart and makes me believe?

Guarding my heart and be strong. Strong from outside but none knows my inside. So weak and I can be fallen anytime. So weak to protect my heart. So weak to face the world. So weak that I wish my heart is a stone. Stone that feels nothing and heartless from anything called 'love' and 'it friends'. Stone until the time coming to change it into a warm heart again. Just stone. A simple stone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxs what I received last night at 10.33 pm. I was surprise and it makes a big smile on my face. The whole e-mail was full of 'x' and I forgot either 'x' is for kiss or for hug. All this time I thought it was for hug. And all this time I received kisses that I didn't about. Hahahahahaha..... Oon bener siy =)D

So people, now I will teach you a good lesson of life. When you receive 'XOXO' from someone, PLEASE... PLEASE don't be stupid like me. X stands for KISS and O stands for HUG

That e-mail really make my night. I was ready to sleep when my sms singing and it shown : I sent you an e-mail, can you connect to internet? Please see and comment it. X

And I connected to internet (telkomnet bo') and I saw it and I smile.

Thanks for your lovely and sweet e-mail

Apa aku tak layak untuk diCINTAi secara tulus oleh lelaki??

Pertanyaan itu dateng dari temen gw dan itu menimbulkan big question mark in me. And admit it, she's damn right.
Hurt by man is the story of my life. I lost count already how many times I got hurt. And I keep falling into the same shit and hole and bla bla again. What is wrong?
When I love somebody, I was sincere. I was honest and expect nothing. I only hope that they will love me back like I love them. I never become a materialistic woman like those who throw themselves to man. A gold digger, that's what they are. I am not at all like that. All I want is a simple pure love. Unconditional love.
But looks like it's almost impossible to get it.
There were time that I stopped saying 'I Love You' because it hurts. Hurts when you say that words but he doesn't.

So, it was a good question : Apakah aku tak layak untuk dicintai secara tulus oleh lelaki?

Negativity

Want to know how I feel this moment? Well, easy. I feel kalah, lost, defeated, vanquished, crushed, sad, ditusuk2, hurts, blue, gloomy, bruished, negative, sucks, in pain. In short : I hate my life now.

Why?

Karena gw iseng. Makanya jangan iseng karena iseng itu bisa berujung dengan perasaan2 di atas. Gak enak kan?

How can I make myself feel better and forget all of that feelings? I know the answer, but it's almost impossible to have it now. Unless HE says differently.

I need to find my soul, my long lost soul. Soul that can complete me perfectly. Soul that can ease my pain. Soul that can make my world brighter. Soul that can make me smile again. Soul that can stop my tears. Soul that can bring me to victory. Soul that can make my day and life. Soul that can take me to the moon. Soul that always be there for me when I need it. Soul that makes me put my feet in the hard solid land of earth again. Soul that can bring me to real life. Soul that make me realise that life is indeed BEAUTIFUL and worth fighting for.

Where is it?

Don't know

I wish I can answer that

But I cannot

Can I be?

My soul is dry
My heart is empty
My feeling is blank
I feel nothing
I feel numb
I feel like an idiot
I feel like a robot
I wish I am a robot
With no heart
No feelings
No love
No hurts
No tears
But I am not
I am a human but with no soul
A human with a big hole in her heart
A human who full of rage
A human who full with dissapoinment
A human in flesh
A human to others
But not a human to herself

My Lonely Planet Journey - Chapter 1

I fell in love with beaches. White sandy and crystal clear water, and of course, surroundings who just doesn't care about what you do and what you wear.

One friend of mine saying "Visit Thai without going to Phuket is like visit Indo without Bali". So?? My suggestion, don't go to Phuket, go to Ao Nang.

Journey begins 241208. Me & my best buddy (it refers to d'bijiz now), started the day in KFC SoekarnoHatta. Flew to Batam, take ferry to Spore. Now, the journey finally begin with 11 packs of cigarettes (?????!!!!!!). Well, who could blame her? Who put that stupid unclear sign of 'no-smoking' and refer it as 'goods to declare'?? Jebakan betmen of course. So in short she was held in custom for 3 fucking hours and they tried to make her pay SGD2200!!! Helooowwwww morons, do you really think that we will bring that amount of money in our 12 hours visit? Good thing that my credit card was decline so they know how kere we are. Pay 2200 or go to court tomorrow. After 3 bloody hours finally they gave up and asked her only to pay the tax, 132 sgd. Why the gave up? Because she gave up also, take her to court. Hahahahaha.....

And next stop : the famous Orchard Rd. Took the very crowd MRT with the long journey of changing trains. Hungry, our last meal was the KFC. We went to the 1st food court and ordered our dinner. Another stupidity, I ordered a duck, the thigh part of duck and they gave me half portion of duck and I had to pay 31 sgd!!!!! Hmm...imagine how much shopping I can do in Thai with that money.

Took us half an hour to find seats and received very2 straight faces from people when we asked them politely "is this seat empty?'. Oh well, I guess that what will happen there when you are trying to be a nice person.

Next stop : so-called Clarke Quay. We got lost. Ended up in Starbucks somewhere. Ok, decided : Changi airport and just stay there until our flight to KL in the next morning. But, once again, we ended up in the Budget Terminal, not the famous Changi Airport. Check in time still 6 hrs away. Tried to sleep in hard chairs and very2 cold AC. Cannot sleep at all. Great.

Finally, KL. Oh no, check in time was 2 pm and we were there at 10 am!! So we wetted the toilet, change our clothes, bedak sana sini, parfum sana sini, tetep dong tampil cantik walopun gak mandi =))

Cruising KL. Started in Puduraya having brunch in my fave small resto in KL. Bukit Bintang - Sungei Wang : VINCCI!!!! Got crazy there. Next stop : Twin Tower. Tried to take pictures that can capture it, but failed. Oh well, at least we tried. Then bought the bus ticket to Genting. Another 1 ringgit stupid moment. Brrrr.... Oh yeah, it was my bday. So in the cold air of Genting, instead of candle, I blew Nonee's lighter. Hehehehehe....

Returned to hotel. And guess what?? No Ac and we have to pay more if we want the AC. What????? Too late, too tired, and urgently needed a good hot shower and sleep!!! We haven't slept for 2 days ya.

1.30 to 5

I'm not a writer and I know that I'm not good in writing. But what the heck, I'll give it a try anyway.

Jilly's life is so-called beautiful. She have a good career, great family, great friends, full of luck, and lack of love. Hahahahahaha.... If you ask people who knows her, they all will agree that she is a damn lucky person. Still, in her almost-perfect world, she realise that she cannot have all. As someone who adores 'LOVE', she fall in love with the love itself. That's why her life is almost-perfect. It's the only thing she cannot have (yet).

if only she's a writer, she can make movies out of her life stories. Well, she's not. That's why she ended up here (and her diary).