Boredom

Not in the mood for writing but yet so bored. Boredom, is 1 word that is very famous in Jilly's life dictionary because she experienced it a lot. Others might say "You are lucky because you have a good salary and nothing to do". Yeah, she know she sounded so irritating by saying this. But try to be Jilly and try be in her shoes for a minute. It's something that is not so fun anymore. Really fried her brains out.

From the very beginning, yes, she was busy. But it never last for a long time. Busy busy very busy busy busy busy relax relax relax nothing nothing nothing and boring boring boring very very very boring. That's her work life cycle. And it's not only now that she is like this. But in her jobs were always like this, No matter where, work for who and when.

Sometimes she just sit there and looking at her computer and feel nothing. She don't know what to seek, what to browse, what to do, and what to look at. She asked the bosses what can she do because she was in her state of boredom. And want to know the answer? "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to change that". Ehhh???? Even the bosses knows that she is actually doing nothing and pretending that she is working hard!!! They know that there's no work can be given to her or delegate to her.

1 time, her boss caught her chatting. Yet he silent and do nothing about it. Why? Because he knows. Chatting is the best thing she can do that helps her a lot.

Her life is like this : wake up in early morning for hours in traffic to her office, make coffee and read 3 newspapers (not because she's such a smart ass, but because it helps her killing her time). Than turn on her computer, check her e-mails (which is only few), check her facebook, and chatting and then lunch. Back from lunch, browsing again for don't know what, chatting and once again, starring at her computer and feel blank. Waiting until 4 pm for her to go home. Than go home. She is lucky, very very lucky if she can find something that actually makes her busy and she's thankful for that.

If others resign because loads of works, she's the contrary, resign because of really nothing to do!!! But, she needs the money. Yes baby, money talks. Funny isn't it? Life is indeed funny and strange.

It's All About Letting Go

Have to let go of the past to embrace the future. I thot I did and I hope I already have. No more outstanding. Is there anything that still left behind? Maybe. Maybe because of what happened in the past, I'm afraid to move forward. Without I realise it.

At the moment for example, I'm afraid to tell my parents about my future plans with him. So many things that makes me keep silent from them. Will they approve my choice this time or will they repeat their concept of 'happiness" again? Dunno. Whatever it is, i fear it already.

I'm gathering my courages to talk to them, to tell them our situation. Will they open hearted let me choose my path? Will they realised that their baby girl is a grown up woman? A woman with her own mind of thinking? I dunno, still fear that they might not.

Will I have the courage to tell them that he wants to marry me eventho we only met for 1 week? Will I have the courage to tell them that we cannot give them their dream wedding that they want for their baby girl? Will I have the courage to tell them that I will fly away from here once we are marry? So many courages I need to gather before telling them. I'm afraid of their reactions.

This is the past that I must let go and move on if I want to find my happiness. If I can through it, there will be light in the end of my journey. Please help me and make me brave. Braveness, courages, I need it badly now.

WoW

I'm in love and it's a very wonderful feeling. Everyday I feel it and I missing him so much. The love and missing feeling giving me chestpain and it hurts. Hurts because I cannot be together with him (yet). I wish, I hope, I dream that we will be together. Don't want to hope too high. Just want to live my live as it is now without thinking hard on how, when, where or what. Que sera sera.. Just follow my heart and continue....

Love is wonderful if we are really into it. But love can be tearful also if we are too into it. Darth, please do love me with all your heart like you always say.

What would you do if you know that someone you love and care will fall into a deep shit and be devastated? Just stay silent? Do nothing? You can ignore it and push them into it deeper whole? Yeah, that might be the best. But only applied to person that has nothing to do with you and you don't care.

I'm trying to understand and feel. But I can't. From any sides I can't. Because I know what happen and what is the real situation, it's very difficult for me to give support. Maybe I'm trying to push her to use my thoughts, my logic. But we are two different person, person with their own mind and feelings and completely have different view.

This story is about Miss A who is currently 'in love' with a 65 years old and got a cancer. Miss A is feeling badly in love with him. Except me and her mom, none knows the truth. I kept forgeting that she is not me. If it comes to me, I can think logically and use my brain and see the reality. Yes, in love. that's why there a saying 'love is blind'. It does happen. I've been there and yes, reality bites and denial all the time.
I'm tired. Only tries to do my best to keep my love ones falling. Tired to give advises but only makes me sad in the end.

I already kept silent and didn't ask Miss A about him because I didn't want to give comment. Comments that I didn't feel right to give. It will be different if situation are different and the man is different. I do want to see her happy and in love. But not like this. She will be in love for short time and tears for a long time. I will always be there for her, yes indeed. but if she thinks that i'm too close and cannot understand here and do not support her, I'll withdrawn.

Miss A is the type of person who can easily falling in love unconditionaly. In the end, she will end up with tears and feeling very crushed and leap back into the worse situation before she started. I can see that already, but she cannot. Or she can but she refused to see. All she can think and feel is now and today. Love makes her like that. I'm like that also. But I can easily stand up and back on to my feet. I don't know about her. Wrong, I know, but only she knows what best for her.

She said that others care more for her than her closest ones. And do others knows what is exactly happens and going on or what is the real situation? Others of course cares for her because all they know is that she's in love and be loved and she is happy.

It was hard for me also to keep silent from others and keep ot for myself. I cannot talk to others about her situation and tried to give her the best advise. It was hard. But once again, i failed and now she's angry and refuse to talk to me. Maybe I pushed her too much and forgive me for being too care and not supporting her.

I can only silent and watch now. Keep quiet and see and be there for here when it comes. The ball is on her hand now. There's nothing else I can do. Be save dearest one. I'm sorry I cannot help you.

No More

Sometimes, when you feel bad and negative, without you realise, the world will follow you down. I think that what happened to me. In the past months (or years), I felt terrible and unhappy and complain a lot to my beloved ones. I felt that my world was falling apart and I'm the most pathetic and miserable person in the world. I felt hurts all the time and I felt that the world is not fair to me. I felt like I was the victim.

It all effected my love life and my way to find him. I always wondered why every dates turned out to be fine but never continue to second dates. I asked question of what's wrong. But I never realised that the mistake was from inside. I asked people opinion and tried to find what went wrong. I made my Gede worried about me, about my life and he was trying so hard to make me see the best of me again. Maybe I even made him frustated because of my stubborness (is the spelling correct?) and how I refused to see brighter world and life, I've made my best buddy, Nonee, feeling blue also with my stories. In short, I've made everything seems dark and pathetic.

1 coffee in Starbucks w/ her and BOOMMM, something she said opened my eyes. There's nothing wrong with the world. The world and life are beautiful. It was me who's wrong. It was me who sees the world from the dark. And my questions answered. Loke Indo's saying "Gajah di pelupuk mata gak kliatan, tapi debu di sebrang lautan jelas bgt". That what happened to me.

I was too busy blaming everything and put me in as the victim. Yes I was good on the 1st dates, but without me noticing, somehow they see a dark cloud surrounding me and feel the negative energy comes out from me and somehow blocking me from showing them the real me. That's why there are no second dates.

I cannot continue like that. I've changed myself and erased all the negatives (at least I try to do it) and be a positive woman. I believe that my life will become colourful and brighter and more beautiful if I look at it differently. And maybe it will make my deepest wish comes true =)D

So, no more gloomy and dark and pathetic Jilly who was always negative and blaming the world. I've made peace with myself and the world. I even smiled when I found out that 1 of the man who was close to me now having my replacement. Before, I cannot do that. Before I always felt a knife stabbed me and pity myself in envy feeling and anger and question "Why? Why? Why?"
Well, not anymore now. No more hurts and no more blaming. But remember, I am also a human being who can always gets hurt. But I will try my best to be positive.

New me is happy me. Welcome Jilly :))

Lang Ling Lung Mana Sih?

Enak kali ya kalo ada seseorang yang kayak Lang Ling Lung, penemu serba bisa. Kalo emang orang kayak gitu exist, gw akan jadi orang pertama yg sign up dan minta bikinin penemuan sama dia. 'Lung, bikinin gw sesuatu yg bisa ngilangin ingetan dan pikiran2 dan memory yg gak mau gw inget gih. Otak gw kepenuhan nih"

Busss... dalem semalem jadilah tuh penemuannya. Dalam bayangan gw, tuhpenemuan kayak helm ato kyk pensieve (itu tu, yg di Harry Potter kayak baskom) trus semua memori sedih gw dan memori2 yg bikin gw stress dipindahin ke tempat laen ato malah diilangin sama sekali. Ah...enaknya....

Enak banget ya gak usah inget2 yg jelek2 dan yg bikin gw nangis ato yg bikin hati gw ketusuk2 sampe bedarah2. Memori yang bikin gw galau, melow dan bikin sakit. Mungkin kalo alat kyk itu ada, gw bakal plong banget. Plong, kyk tutup botol yg ditarik dari sumbatnya.

Enak banget ya kalo alat kayak gitu ada biar gw bisa selalu tersenyum liat dunia. Gak usah sedih lagi, bahagianya.... Semuanya bakal keliatan lebih indah dan berwarna, gak harus selalu item, putih dan abu2. Matahari kayaknya indah bgt.

Lang Ling Lung mana sih? Karena dia gak ada makanya dunia gw sekarang terbatas warnanya : black & white & grey. Kenapa sih dia tuh cuma harus sebuah tokoh kartun dan gak real? Kan kalo dia ada di dunia ini, semua orang bakal ngerasa bahagia dengan bantuannya. Yg jelas hidup 1 org akan jadi bahagia : ME!!

Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on!
I've been hiding all my hpes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I wanna do is find back way into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't se the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end


*edited from 'Way Back Into Love' by Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore