No More

Sometimes, when you feel bad and negative, without you realise, the world will follow you down. I think that what happened to me. In the past months (or years), I felt terrible and unhappy and complain a lot to my beloved ones. I felt that my world was falling apart and I'm the most pathetic and miserable person in the world. I felt hurts all the time and I felt that the world is not fair to me. I felt like I was the victim.

It all effected my love life and my way to find him. I always wondered why every dates turned out to be fine but never continue to second dates. I asked question of what's wrong. But I never realised that the mistake was from inside. I asked people opinion and tried to find what went wrong. I made my Gede worried about me, about my life and he was trying so hard to make me see the best of me again. Maybe I even made him frustated because of my stubborness (is the spelling correct?) and how I refused to see brighter world and life, I've made my best buddy, Nonee, feeling blue also with my stories. In short, I've made everything seems dark and pathetic.

1 coffee in Starbucks w/ her and BOOMMM, something she said opened my eyes. There's nothing wrong with the world. The world and life are beautiful. It was me who's wrong. It was me who sees the world from the dark. And my questions answered. Loke Indo's saying "Gajah di pelupuk mata gak kliatan, tapi debu di sebrang lautan jelas bgt". That what happened to me.

I was too busy blaming everything and put me in as the victim. Yes I was good on the 1st dates, but without me noticing, somehow they see a dark cloud surrounding me and feel the negative energy comes out from me and somehow blocking me from showing them the real me. That's why there are no second dates.

I cannot continue like that. I've changed myself and erased all the negatives (at least I try to do it) and be a positive woman. I believe that my life will become colourful and brighter and more beautiful if I look at it differently. And maybe it will make my deepest wish comes true =)D

So, no more gloomy and dark and pathetic Jilly who was always negative and blaming the world. I've made peace with myself and the world. I even smiled when I found out that 1 of the man who was close to me now having my replacement. Before, I cannot do that. Before I always felt a knife stabbed me and pity myself in envy feeling and anger and question "Why? Why? Why?"
Well, not anymore now. No more hurts and no more blaming. But remember, I am also a human being who can always gets hurt. But I will try my best to be positive.

New me is happy me. Welcome Jilly :))

Lang Ling Lung Mana Sih?

Enak kali ya kalo ada seseorang yang kayak Lang Ling Lung, penemu serba bisa. Kalo emang orang kayak gitu exist, gw akan jadi orang pertama yg sign up dan minta bikinin penemuan sama dia. 'Lung, bikinin gw sesuatu yg bisa ngilangin ingetan dan pikiran2 dan memory yg gak mau gw inget gih. Otak gw kepenuhan nih"

Busss... dalem semalem jadilah tuh penemuannya. Dalam bayangan gw, tuhpenemuan kayak helm ato kyk pensieve (itu tu, yg di Harry Potter kayak baskom) trus semua memori sedih gw dan memori2 yg bikin gw stress dipindahin ke tempat laen ato malah diilangin sama sekali. Ah...enaknya....

Enak banget ya gak usah inget2 yg jelek2 dan yg bikin gw nangis ato yg bikin hati gw ketusuk2 sampe bedarah2. Memori yang bikin gw galau, melow dan bikin sakit. Mungkin kalo alat kyk itu ada, gw bakal plong banget. Plong, kyk tutup botol yg ditarik dari sumbatnya.

Enak banget ya kalo alat kayak gitu ada biar gw bisa selalu tersenyum liat dunia. Gak usah sedih lagi, bahagianya.... Semuanya bakal keliatan lebih indah dan berwarna, gak harus selalu item, putih dan abu2. Matahari kayaknya indah bgt.

Lang Ling Lung mana sih? Karena dia gak ada makanya dunia gw sekarang terbatas warnanya : black & white & grey. Kenapa sih dia tuh cuma harus sebuah tokoh kartun dan gak real? Kan kalo dia ada di dunia ini, semua orang bakal ngerasa bahagia dengan bantuannya. Yg jelas hidup 1 org akan jadi bahagia : ME!!

Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on!
I've been hiding all my hpes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I wanna do is find back way into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't se the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end


*edited from 'Way Back Into Love' by Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore

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1 Phone Call

1 phone call was enough to drag me out from my life and leap back to the past. The past that i want to forget and never look back. Enough to make my life crumble once again, shead my tears once again. Never realise that I still carry that wound. Never realise that the scar is too deep and the wound still bleeding and never completely cured and healed.

1 phone call, only one that I fear most and somehow I know that it will happen and I deny it all this time. And it happened. All the walls surround me fallen apart and my life falling into pieces once again. Once again I have to collect my life and build it again from the scratch. Now I really lost it and I'm not sure how I will do it.

Just want to dissapear from everything, from my existence in this world. Just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep until 'he' come and wake me up. I am just too tired and too weak now. I can't even put my heads up or knock my head. Maybe flying high up in the sky and just fly fly fly will be nice.

My life is shattered and I don't know how to build it up again. Once I can. 2 times is enough. In the moment where I want to reach the sky again, 1 phone call crashed me down to the earth again.

I've hidden it so well all this time. I think it's like a time bomb, will blow up one day. I didn't want to remember or to open or to look back. Just forget it and let go and live my life. And it was working well until yesterday, BOOMMMMM!!!!! It happened. The crack was open, making it much bigger from before. And now it will be so very hard to fix it.