S E M U

Semua ada di depan mata gw saat ini adalah SEMU. 4 huruf yang sangat berarti. I'm facing a very good thing and it's just seems too good to be true. Something that makes me laugh and smile and cry. Something that brings me ups and downs. Something that seems so close yet so far away. That's why I call it SEMU.

Like the fogs that vagues.Blur and you can not see far. You can see only something close and near you. That's what I call SEMU.

Sesuatu yang begitu indah. Sesuatu yang begitu mempesona. Sesuatu yang membuai. Sesuatu yang tanpa gw sadari telah membikin hati gw terancam. Sesuatu yang bisa membuat gw jatuh ke lubang yang sama lagi. I don't want that. Terlalu menyakitkan kalau itu terjadi.

Guarding my Heart

Guarding my heart. That's what I'm doing right now. I did it before and few weeks ago I started to lower down the shield. Nothing happen so far. But I'm doing it for myself protection.
Hurts and getting hurts is easily come and happen to me like having 3 times of meals. And I don't want it anymore. Meals has to stop. Leaking and making myself weak is has to end. I will be the last person standing still with a smile on my face.

My shield only opens to someone who will be my soul. I don't know who, when or where. Maybe he's out there, maybe he's not. Don't know. Still a big mystery for me. Keep wishing and keep hoping until all the wishes and the hopings washed away. No more wishing and no more hoping. No more nothing.

Guarding my heart from 'love'. Don't open it until I'm sure. But how to be sure? It's all seems too good and most of the times it fools me. Most of the time I am weak and fall. It's such a very difficult thing to do. How can you tell the different from something real and something semu? Something that deceiving my heart and makes me believe?

Guarding my heart and be strong. Strong from outside but none knows my inside. So weak and I can be fallen anytime. So weak to protect my heart. So weak to face the world. So weak that I wish my heart is a stone. Stone that feels nothing and heartless from anything called 'love' and 'it friends'. Stone until the time coming to change it into a warm heart again. Just stone. A simple stone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxs what I received last night at 10.33 pm. I was surprise and it makes a big smile on my face. The whole e-mail was full of 'x' and I forgot either 'x' is for kiss or for hug. All this time I thought it was for hug. And all this time I received kisses that I didn't about. Hahahahahaha..... Oon bener siy =)D

So people, now I will teach you a good lesson of life. When you receive 'XOXO' from someone, PLEASE... PLEASE don't be stupid like me. X stands for KISS and O stands for HUG

That e-mail really make my night. I was ready to sleep when my sms singing and it shown : I sent you an e-mail, can you connect to internet? Please see and comment it. X

And I connected to internet (telkomnet bo') and I saw it and I smile.

Thanks for your lovely and sweet e-mail

Apa aku tak layak untuk diCINTAi secara tulus oleh lelaki??

Pertanyaan itu dateng dari temen gw dan itu menimbulkan big question mark in me. And admit it, she's damn right.
Hurt by man is the story of my life. I lost count already how many times I got hurt. And I keep falling into the same shit and hole and bla bla again. What is wrong?
When I love somebody, I was sincere. I was honest and expect nothing. I only hope that they will love me back like I love them. I never become a materialistic woman like those who throw themselves to man. A gold digger, that's what they are. I am not at all like that. All I want is a simple pure love. Unconditional love.
But looks like it's almost impossible to get it.
There were time that I stopped saying 'I Love You' because it hurts. Hurts when you say that words but he doesn't.

So, it was a good question : Apakah aku tak layak untuk dicintai secara tulus oleh lelaki?

Negativity

Want to know how I feel this moment? Well, easy. I feel kalah, lost, defeated, vanquished, crushed, sad, ditusuk2, hurts, blue, gloomy, bruished, negative, sucks, in pain. In short : I hate my life now.

Why?

Karena gw iseng. Makanya jangan iseng karena iseng itu bisa berujung dengan perasaan2 di atas. Gak enak kan?

How can I make myself feel better and forget all of that feelings? I know the answer, but it's almost impossible to have it now. Unless HE says differently.

I need to find my soul, my long lost soul. Soul that can complete me perfectly. Soul that can ease my pain. Soul that can make my world brighter. Soul that can make me smile again. Soul that can stop my tears. Soul that can bring me to victory. Soul that can make my day and life. Soul that can take me to the moon. Soul that always be there for me when I need it. Soul that makes me put my feet in the hard solid land of earth again. Soul that can bring me to real life. Soul that make me realise that life is indeed BEAUTIFUL and worth fighting for.

Where is it?

Don't know

I wish I can answer that

But I cannot

Can I be?

My soul is dry
My heart is empty
My feeling is blank
I feel nothing
I feel numb
I feel like an idiot
I feel like a robot
I wish I am a robot
With no heart
No feelings
No love
No hurts
No tears
But I am not
I am a human but with no soul
A human with a big hole in her heart
A human who full of rage
A human who full with dissapoinment
A human in flesh
A human to others
But not a human to herself

My Lonely Planet Journey - Chapter 1

I fell in love with beaches. White sandy and crystal clear water, and of course, surroundings who just doesn't care about what you do and what you wear.

One friend of mine saying "Visit Thai without going to Phuket is like visit Indo without Bali". So?? My suggestion, don't go to Phuket, go to Ao Nang.

Journey begins 241208. Me & my best buddy (it refers to d'bijiz now), started the day in KFC SoekarnoHatta. Flew to Batam, take ferry to Spore. Now, the journey finally begin with 11 packs of cigarettes (?????!!!!!!). Well, who could blame her? Who put that stupid unclear sign of 'no-smoking' and refer it as 'goods to declare'?? Jebakan betmen of course. So in short she was held in custom for 3 fucking hours and they tried to make her pay SGD2200!!! Helooowwwww morons, do you really think that we will bring that amount of money in our 12 hours visit? Good thing that my credit card was decline so they know how kere we are. Pay 2200 or go to court tomorrow. After 3 bloody hours finally they gave up and asked her only to pay the tax, 132 sgd. Why the gave up? Because she gave up also, take her to court. Hahahahaha.....

And next stop : the famous Orchard Rd. Took the very crowd MRT with the long journey of changing trains. Hungry, our last meal was the KFC. We went to the 1st food court and ordered our dinner. Another stupidity, I ordered a duck, the thigh part of duck and they gave me half portion of duck and I had to pay 31 sgd!!!!! Hmm...imagine how much shopping I can do in Thai with that money.

Took us half an hour to find seats and received very2 straight faces from people when we asked them politely "is this seat empty?'. Oh well, I guess that what will happen there when you are trying to be a nice person.

Next stop : so-called Clarke Quay. We got lost. Ended up in Starbucks somewhere. Ok, decided : Changi airport and just stay there until our flight to KL in the next morning. But, once again, we ended up in the Budget Terminal, not the famous Changi Airport. Check in time still 6 hrs away. Tried to sleep in hard chairs and very2 cold AC. Cannot sleep at all. Great.

Finally, KL. Oh no, check in time was 2 pm and we were there at 10 am!! So we wetted the toilet, change our clothes, bedak sana sini, parfum sana sini, tetep dong tampil cantik walopun gak mandi =))

Cruising KL. Started in Puduraya having brunch in my fave small resto in KL. Bukit Bintang - Sungei Wang : VINCCI!!!! Got crazy there. Next stop : Twin Tower. Tried to take pictures that can capture it, but failed. Oh well, at least we tried. Then bought the bus ticket to Genting. Another 1 ringgit stupid moment. Brrrr.... Oh yeah, it was my bday. So in the cold air of Genting, instead of candle, I blew Nonee's lighter. Hehehehehe....

Returned to hotel. And guess what?? No Ac and we have to pay more if we want the AC. What????? Too late, too tired, and urgently needed a good hot shower and sleep!!! We haven't slept for 2 days ya.

1.30 to 5

I'm not a writer and I know that I'm not good in writing. But what the heck, I'll give it a try anyway.

Jilly's life is so-called beautiful. She have a good career, great family, great friends, full of luck, and lack of love. Hahahahahaha.... If you ask people who knows her, they all will agree that she is a damn lucky person. Still, in her almost-perfect world, she realise that she cannot have all. As someone who adores 'LOVE', she fall in love with the love itself. That's why her life is almost-perfect. It's the only thing she cannot have (yet).

if only she's a writer, she can make movies out of her life stories. Well, she's not. That's why she ended up here (and her diary).